Have you seen wedding videos of arranged marriages? There was one I saw where a young Indian groom sat alone, unsmiling & uncomfortable. His heavily veiled wife was led in to be seated beside him. Apparently, they’d never seen each other because when the bride was unveiled, the groom saw how exquisitely beautiful she was. With his huge sigh of relief came a blissful smile that erased every trace of anxiety on the groom’s face. Sadly, that was a one-off. In the rest of the videos I saw after that, brides & grooms looked like they’d rather be in Jupiter than in that wedding!
In first century Israel, love didn’t have anything to do w/ marriage. For financial security of the bride, yes; peace between families & tribes, yes; keep wealth within the clan, yes. Love, no. Actually, it’s still that way in many, many cultures to this day. But in Israel back in Jesus’ day, the grooms’ families were always the wealthier. So, the privilege to file a bill of divorce was skewed towards the men. True enough, Jewish husbands divorced their wives even for the flimsiest of reasons. David Amram, noted scholar of Jewish marriage & divorce says, “This ancient right of the husband to divorce his wife at his pleasure (was) the central thought in the entire system of Jewish divorce law.” He cites rabbinic teachings that say: “(Husband) may divorce (wife) if she spoiled a dish for him… or if he found another fairer than she… or if she goes out with her hair unbound…or if she talks so loudly in the house that neighbors could hear her.” Weightier reasons were when the wife was suspected of adultery, or when she was unable to produce children. Being baog was always the woman’s fault back then. Upon divorce, women didn’t get their dowry back. Worse, they lost all financial security. This plunged her & her family into debt & poverty. Divorced women were so stigmatized that they actually died social deaths.
When the Pharisees asked Jesus whether divorce was lawful or not (after all, the sacred law of Moses allowed it!) Jesus was flatly against it. Marriage involved not just a couple & their two families, but also God. It was bad enough that the Law permitting divorce privileged men but brutally prejudiced women. It was worse that love had nothing to do with marriage.
Let me share something with you, sisters & brothers. There was actually a time when I was pretty sure love had nothing to do w/ my own mom & dad staying together. For a particular stretch of my life, they quarreled so much that kuya & I had to step in, esp. when their cold war dragged on for too long. We were still in high school, then, can you imagine? Already playing marriage counselors & arbiters. One time it got really bad. Our parents called for a family meeting. They announced, “We’re going on a trial separation.” Separation was precisely what kuya & I were trying to prevent by helping them reconcile each time. So, the word “trial” didn’t quite make “separation” sound better. I confess, the first thought in my head was, “What if my classmates find out? How would I live w/ the shame of being a child of separated parents, a ‘broken home’ (as it was called back then)?” Then, the even darker scenarios: “Am I losing my dad to someone else? Another family? Don’t they love us anymore?” At dahil nga bahagi na kami ni kuya ng pagsasaayos ng mga bagay-bagay tuwing nag-aaway sila, at that moment, we felt like we failed in our mission. Kuya& I were not used to failure. We were very good students in school, oh my God. But now that mom & dad decided on a “trial separation,” there was no greater failure.
But this homily is not about my stand on the question: “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” It is, nevertheless, a respectful suggestion, or an encouragement, perhaps.
Just as there should be serious, compelling, & selfless reasons for couples to jump out of marriage, there should be even more serious, compelling, & selfless reasons to enter into one. I wish & hope & pray that couples think long & hard, far & wide about how they will be affecting the children in all their decisions not just as parents, but also as husbands & wives. And to do all this not just before having children, but before even getting married. In my opinion, the most serious, compelling, & selfless reason to consider should be the children.
Jesuits have been in the education apostolate for a long, long time. We’ve seen it far too often to deny it, sisters & brothers. Problems of students often redound to marital problems of their parents. Not all, thank God. Not all. For there are indeed children who fall into problems even when their parents are in an exemplary marriage. Still, it has happened far too often to be denied, & happens still: there’s that higher risk of academic difficulties, disruptive behavior, & depression in children whose parents cannot & do not want to get along. Even when each parent tries to show the children parental love, the children see & feel & know that their parents no longer respect each other. Totoo pa rin ‘yung kasabihan: one of the best ways parents ever love their kids is to show them how much they love each other. Because kids know.
By God’s grace, things got a little better w/ mom & dad as they grew older. It was never perfect. But stay together they did, till death parted them when mom passed. Did love for each other have anything to do with sticking together? I’m not really sure. But I will bet my last bag of Cheetos that if there was one thing that had everything to do with their having stuck it out together, it was love for their children.
Lord Jesus, your Father created us uniquely & wonderfully for one another, but we often lord ourselves over the other. Lord, have mercy.
Christ Jesus, you command that we never sunder whatever your Father brought together, but we often fail because of our divisiveness. Christ, have mercy.
Lord Jesus, you bless our relationships w/ love, but we often give in to our anger & hatred. Lord, have mercy.
Homily delivered by Fr. Arnel Aquino, SJ
27th Sunday in Ordinary Time 2024
Cenacle Retreat House