I Am Ever With You

TRUST At the start of the retreat, we were asked about our expectations. I said that I had no expectations.  I did, however, have a lot of fears and anxiety.  I feared that I was not equipped enough for the trip. I was worried it would rain. I was getting calls left and right about work and I was worried that things would fall apart while I was away.  I was worried about the cold and that I might be miserable during this trip. I wondered how I (and the others) could find the quite to be with God when the road ahead was no walk in the park.   As we gathered at the foot of a mountain to start the trek, we were asked to beg God for these 3 graces: (a) the openness to accept whatever God wants us to experience, (b) the generosity to give of ourselves, and (c) the courage to place ourselves in God’s hand completely.   What was expected to be a 4 hour trek turned out to be a 6 and a half hour trek (about 18 kilometers of walking to the base camp)! It was uphill most of the way.   At the beginning of the trek, I felt the weight of my pack and shortness of breath. I started bracing myself for the long and arduous road ahead.  Sometime into the trek, I felt myself letting go. I told myself that if I did not have what I thought I needed, God would provide it.  God would protect my from harm. Later on, I realized that my initial impression that this trek would not allow me the silence I needed to hear God was wrong. This trek became the best type of activity to make me predisposed to God because here, in the middle of nowhere, I had no option  but to let go and trust God completely.   Along the way, I found the silence I needed to feel God. In this silence, I found a lightness in being and strength to move on. I was even conscious enough to help others and to observe nature. I also noticed how the 10 guides we had were generous in helping many of us.  They would carry the packs of those who found themselves unable to carry their load, hold the hands of those who were scared, assist those who needed to walk though a difficult area, lovingly prepare our food (they even made the simple food look good by arranging  it so beautifully and artfully) and they would cater to everyone’s needs with smiles and open hearts.   We arrived at the base camp at about 5:00pm. We were tired but everyone was in high spirits. Proof of this was the noise at camp.  I was annoyed at the noise at first, but looking back, I realized it was the sound of joy, delight and triumph at being alive.   During our first sharing of the experience trekking to the base camp, I found myself listening to the general sentiment of the group, which I found was my sentiment as well.  There was a collective realization that we were weak.  There was a collective experience of being in the presence of God and surrendering ourselves to Him.  There was a collective appreciation for the generous spirit of the guides who were helping us.  There was a collective and deep realization that we carry too much unnecessary baggage with us and we need to let go of it. It was impossible not to know that God was there with us.   On the second day of the retreat, we were asked to find God in nature by focusing on 1 or 2 things around us. I focused on these tiny white flowers, which grow about an inch off the ground and are often times covered by the blades of the grass. I actually did not notice them at first because they were so small and insignificant. I realized and I had been stepping on them. I thought about God and how he is the God of small things like me. I am like that little flower – fragile, insignificant and easily stepped on. Despite how small I am, God still created me and made me beautiful in His eyes.   Towards the end of the second day, we were asked to contemplate on what we could let go off to be closer to God. With great fear and with my heart beating strongly in my chest, I prayed for the courage and strength to be able to offer everything to God even my children who are most important to me that I may find myself more and more in the hands of God. I had never cried so much in my life because I was so terrified of saying this prayer.   In the end, what I kept was the hope that even if I offer everything to God, He will provide me with what I need. It is at this point that I felt, for once, that I had completely entrusted myself to God.”   ~ Shared by a retreatant       SUNSET What must I let go in order to prepare myself to receive God’s grace? That was a gloomy afternoon, extremely cold weather and cloudy skies affected my concentration. It was really hard for me to think of what I must let go. If God’s grace is for all of us, why I am so afraid of what tomorrow brings? Why do I deny my gaffes? I asked myself, where is your trust in Him Glenn? Spontaneously, I recalled all the wrong decisions I’ have made, my bad habits and the sins I constantly committed. I realized that I have a big FEARS – fear of dying & fear of not being accepted. Fear is the reason why I always consider what other people might say. Suddenly, I noticed my tears were falling. In my mind,